The Wrath of a Con

Created by
The Survivors of the Big Bang
 
© 1983, 1984, 2005 by the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

Crew of the Boobyprize

Captain Quirk
Now Admiral of the Amalgamation Starfleet
Mr. Spot
Captain and Chief Science Officer
Dr. 'Bones' Maloy
Surgeon General and Ship's Doctor
Mr. Scotch
Commander and Chief Engineer
Lt. Savage
Navigator and Apprentice Captian
Mr. Zulu
Helmsman and weapons officer
Lt. Olhora
Communications Officer
Ship
Computer, Turbo-lift, and Setting

A Visitor to the Boobyprize

Who
A Renegade hungry Time-Lord

Conventioneers

P.A.
Voice of DrathaCon '86
Yoda
Wise old alien
Girl
Spacey female conventioneer
G.V.
Gay voiced conventioneer
Voice
Other conventioneer
Who2
Imitation Dr. Who at con

and Introducing

Announcer
Voice of reason amidst the storm
 
(Sound of radio tuning in — static, resolving to)
Cast:
(Sung) Pepsi-Cola hits the spot! Twelve full ounces, that's a lot! Twice as much for a nickel, too! Pepsi-Cola is the one for you!
Announcer:
You're listening to the Son Broadcasting System, sometimes copied but never equalled.
 
(Start Devo's Corporate Anthem)
Announcer:
The Son Broadcasting System is proud to present this evening the Not Yet Ready for Cocktail Time Players, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Frontal Lobotomy Jazz Ensemble, in a stage production of an almost original radio play created by The Survivors of the Big Bang — The University of New Orleans Science Fiction and Fantasy Club.
Quirk:
Space, the next-to-last frontier. These are the never ending voyages of the starship BOOBYPRIZE. Its continuing mission to create new life out old television programs, to help the economy of the United States by keeping old actors employed, and to revive interest in something that should have died a long time ago....
 
(A few bars of the Pigs in Space theme play, followed by 'Zulu!!', then Stardust)
Announcer:
Star Yecch!: The Wrath of a Con! Developed from a script written by college students who had nothing better to do with their free time, starring:
  • Lt. Pooky Kaddafi
  • Fred Eckerle IV
  • Goody Michel II
  • DEVOid Michel
  • J. J. Newton
  • and Bubby Trippodo as the Beaver.
  • And I'm your announcer, George T. 'Bill' Spicuzza.
This portion of Star Yecch is brought to you by the Son Club of Metairie, Louisiana, and its many subsidiaries.
 
(Fade Theme)
Spot:
Captain's Log, stardate 8675 point 309. The BOOBYPRIZE is on a routine training mission with one-third of her complement replaced by apprentice officers. Star Fleet Admiral James Tyrone Quirk is aboard and acting as captain on this mission when....
Zulu:
Admiral Quirk, a strange object showing up on ship's sensors!
Quirk:
Zulu, switch to tactical and put it on the monitor.
Zulu:
It's an Orcan Egg, Captain. Apparently lost in space, as this is where no man has gone before.
Quirk:
Lt. Savage, punch up the library files. What is an Orcan Egg?
Savage:
An Orcan Egg is the mode of space travel of a high-tech but low logic race of humanoids who think everything they do is humorous. The are edible, Admiral.
Quirk:
Zulu, set PHASERs for "Scramble"
Zulu:
Nanu, Nanu, Cap'n
Quirk:
Lt. Olhora, inform Mr. Spot, Dr. Maloy, and Mr. Scotch that breakfast is served on the bridge.
Olhora:
Yazzah, Honey!!
Quirk:
Mr. Zulu, fire when ready.
Olhora:
De eggs is ready, honey!
Scotch:
Where's the food?
Maloy:
Somebody get me the ketchup.
Quirk:
Bones, you're up. Dig in!
Maloy:
Good Morning, Jim.
Quirk:
Ah, Mr. Scotch!
Scotch:
Top o' the mornin' to ya, sir.
Quirk:
Where's Mr. Spot?
 
(Sound of explosion.)
Maloy:
I would say he may have been delayed.
Scotch:
(snicker)
Ship:
(Ding!) Third floor, ladies' lingerie.
Maloy:
(whispering) Dammit, he made it.
Quirk:
Spot! What happened? You're a mess!
Spot:
Well, Admiral, as Dr. Chapstick and I were leaving our 3-D chess game, my PHASER, which was lying on the table next to my -uh- chair exploded, destroying the entire cabin except the sleeping quarters.
Quirk:
Good! Then you're safe!! We're serving up Orcan Egg.
Spot:
Orcan Egg — scramled sir? I do prefer them poached...
Savage:
But Mr. Spot, by the book — Orcan eggs are out of season.
 
(A low wheezing cyclical sound.)
Ship:
TARDIS on bridge!! TARDIS on bridge!!
Who:
Did someone mention eggs?
Quirk:
Who is that?
Spot:
Exactly, Captain.
Maloy:
What in blazes is he?
Spot:
No, not what, but who is he.
Maloy:
I don't know!
Cast:
Third Base!!!
Scotch:
I didna tell engineerin' ta deliver no TARDIS ta the bridge. Lt. Olhora, tell Engineerin'...
Olhora:
Engineerin, Mr. Scotch say ta get dis icebox off da bridge right away.
Ship:
(Ding!) Fourth floor, men' lingerie.
Quirk:
and Scotchy, fix that elevator!!
Scotch:
Kidding, help me get this fridge out o' here.
 
(Sound of dragging and struggle.)
Who:
Get you're hands off my box!
Scotch:
Get out o' my way!
Who:
I'll get you for this!!
 
(Sound of klaxons, bells, sirens, etc.)
Ship:
Warning! This is a temporal displacement! (repeat and fade)
Quirk:
Spot!!! What's happening to my ship?
 
(Alarms, etc. cease.)
Spot:
Our location vector has been translated by a collisory force in the negative-T direction, displacing us by roughly eight kilofortnights. Our XYZ vector has also been translated into an area near the center of what will be Amalgamation space.
 
(Quirk is puzzled.)
Zulu:
In other words, Admiral, we are currently in orbit around earth sometime in the late twentieth century.
Maloy:
I'm a surgeon, not the Doctor!!
Savage:
Captain, the only known way to alter the effects of a temporal displacement is to perform a maneuver known as the "High Energy Turn". Mr. Scotch must give us WArP 13, but I am not sure of the tactical.
Quirk:
(Too-eee-ooo) Bridge to Engineering. Scotchy, can you give us WArP 13 for a High Energy Turn?
Scotch:
(muffled) Admiral, I dinna have enough time before our regularly scheduled WArP drive malfunction.
Savage:
Admiral, Commander Scotch is correct. We have 8.5 seconds to program midpoint and regularly scheduled WArP drive malfunction. Seven...Six...(fade count)
Quirk:
Scotchy! Do something!
Scotch:
Cap'n, I can fix no WArP drive before its time.
Savage:
..Two...One...WArP drive malfunction, Admiral.
 
(Sound of WArP engines dying in agony.)
Scotch:
All we've got left is the batteries, sir.
Quirk:
Well, what do we do now, flyboy?
Spot:
Captain, I would suggest that we beam down to the surface, find the man with the icebox, and get him to help us back.
Maloy:
Yeah, and find someone for you to fall in love with before the cast party.
Ship:
Heh, heh, ain't he somethin'?
Maloy:
Spot, why don't you finish programming the co-ordinates from here and meet us in the transporter room?
Quirk:
Good idea. Let's go.
 
(Sound of elevator closing)
Quirk:
Elevator, transporter room.
Ship:
(Whrrr-Ding!) Transporter Room and engineering.
Quirk:
Scotchy must have fixed the elevator.
Maloy:
Something like that. (snicker)
Scotch:
Ah, Cap'n ye made it.
Maloy:
Scotchy, I hope you "fixed" the elevator right this time.
Quirk:
Scotch, what's holding up the elevator?
Scotch:
Er, nothin', Admiral. In fact, it should be here any second.
 
(Sound of plummeting elevator and impact)
Maloy:
Whoever was in it must be dead, Jim.
 
(Sound of feet descending metal stairs)
Spot:
Mr. Scotch, you must fix that elevator; I'm tired of taking the stairs. Captain, the transporters are locked on a peculiar target. I'll explain in the transporter room.
Maloy:
(whispering) Scotch, where'd the stairs come from?
Scotch:
I didna ken we 'ad stairs. (paper shuffling) 'Tis not in the script!
 
(Sound of door opening, closing)
Spot:
Admiral, I had ship's sensors scan the earth's surface and in a place known as Lake Pomona, there are at least fifteen creatures fitting Who's description, and at least two items similar to his refrigerator. I cannot give you our exact stardate, but we are in the nineteen eighties.
Quirk:
Kidding, beam us down. Scotch, get back to work in the elevator and WArP drive.
Scotch:
Aye, Cap'n
 
(Sound of transporters, crowd milling)
P.A.:
The red zone is for loading and unloading. Welcome to DarathaCon '86. The costume competition will begin in ten minutes. The registration desk will close in ten minutes. The yellow zone is for loading and unloading only...
Spot:
Interesting, Admiral.
Maloy:
No joke, Elf Ears.
Quirk:
Explain, Spot. Why does it look as if half the Starfleet's junior cadets are here?
Spot:
Captain, it seems we have beamed into a (pause) "Con".
Quirk:
(with awe and horror) Con!
Spot:
Yes, my old friend. A ritual held by adherents of the ancient Fandom cult. It would be easy for our prey to hide among the constumed people.
Voice:
Hey, Y'all, if you're in line for the costume contest, get moving. You can go in now.
Maloy:
Perfect, Lime Skin. Now you've got us in a beauty contest.
Voice:
Hold it right there. Stand still for the judges. Judges, we have imposters of the crew of the Starship ENTERPRISE.
Quirk:
That's BOOBYPRIZE.
Voice:
With costumes like that, you'll get the booby prize. Move on.
Quirk:
Look, Spot! Two identical people looking identically like Who was on the bridge with the icebox.
Spot:
Quite redundant, sir, and quite correct. I would suggest that we begin by interrogating them.
Maloy:
Somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way.
Girl:
Hey, Admiral Kirk! How 'bout coming to our Federation party in room 151 after the ball?
Quirk:
Hey, what a great idea!
Maloy:
(Sigh) It's going to be a lo-o-ong night.
Spot:
Yes, I know. Ain't he somethin'?...Captain, I think we should start the questioning first.
Quirk:
As usual, Mr. Spot, your logic is impeccable, but your timing is lousy. Honey, I'll meet you in half an hour (kiss) Well, make it ten minutes. (pause) You, Who! Over there!
G.V.:
Who, me, big boy?
Quirk:
No, not yoo-hoo, but you, Who.
Who2:
Who, Me?
Quirk:
Yes, you, Who.
Spot:
You must tell us how to get back to the twenty-third century.
Who2:
You gotta be kidding.
Quirk:
No; we left Lt. Kidding manning the transporters.
Spot:
Excuse me. I'm science officer Spot, and this is Admiral Quirk of the starship BOOBYPRIZE.
Who2:
Yeah, you and ten other guys.
P.A.:
Winners of the DarathaCon '86 costume contest are posted by the door. (repeat)
Maloy:
Spot, I'm going to see what I've won!
Spot:
You do that, doctor. Now, Captain, to find the other Who.
Maloy:
(Screaming) What! Fourth Place! Beat out by an E.T., a pig, and what in blazes is a Wookie!?
Voice:
Oh, calm down. Who do you think you are, DeForrest Kelley?
G.V.:
You ought to be glad to get last place, what with that cheap costume and toy PHASER.
Maloy:
TOY!?? I'll show you a toy!
 
(Sounds of PHASER fire, french fries hitting hot grease, silence)
Quirk:
Holey Moley!
Maloy:
I — I thought it was on stun!
Spot:
We are going to die.
Quirk:
Holey Moley!
Maloy:
(Examines PHASER) It was on stun — it must have malfunctioned!
Spot:
I would suggest an immediate hasty departure, Admiral.
Quirk:
Holey Moley!
 
(Three men running, panting, yelling)
Quirk:
Wait! Here it is! Her room..151..Let's go!
 
(Door opening, party sounds)
Girl:
Captain Kirk! You made it! Great!
Quirk:
That's Admiral Quirk.
Maloy:
Look! There's that refrigerator!
Quirk:
Good! Let's get to it! (opens it)
Spot:
Interesting. Cylindrical containers containing fluids under pressuer at approximately five degrees celsius.
Quirk:
..that made Milwaukee famous. Who's Milwaukee?
Maloy:
Never had it..never will. Let's see...(opens can)
Quirk:
(pointing to Yoda) Look, Spot!!! A little green guy with pointed ears. Relative of yours?
Spot:
Hey, You!
Announcer:
Oh, no, here we go again.
Yoda:
Who, me? May I ask Who are you?
Quirk:
No, I'm Capt—Admiral James Tyrone Quirk....
Announcer:
What'd I tell you?
Quirk:
of the starship BOOBYPRIZE. Can you help us return to the twenty-third century? We've been stranded by a dastardly fiend.
Yoda:
Hmmpp? And who such a thing would do?
Announcer:
I can't take much more of this.
Spot:
Yes, he did. We must get back soon, or the crowd will kill us.
Yoda:
Yes, yes. Help you I will. Something for you I have. (rummages) Here. Here it is. This book. Hurry along.
P.A.:
Convention Security. Open it up. (sirens)
Quirk:
(opens communicator) Scotchy, beam us up.
Scotch:
Aye, Cap'n. The WArP drives are ready to go.
Yoda:
Live long and prosper, friend.
Spot:
May the Horse be with you.
 
(Sound of transporters)
Quirk:
Scotchy, you beamed up the wrong people.
Scotch:
Sorry, Admiral. But you all look alike.
 
(Transporters)
G.V.:
He wasn't kidding, it isn't a toy!
Quirk:
Beam us up this time!
 
(Transporters)
Quirk:
Quick! To the bridge!!
Scotch:
Damn! Got all three of 'em.
 
(Running, elevator doors open.)
Quirk:
Bridge! (pause) Hey, why are we still running?
 
(Elevator closes, rises, stops.)
Ship:
(Ding!) Fifth Floor: Whips, Chains, Leather, and Lace.
Quirk:
Scotchy! About that elevator!?!?
Scotch:
Cap'n, did ye find a way out?
Quirk:
Yes, we did. In this little known, seldom used training manual.
Scotch:
Aye, the old Star Fleet Battle Manual.
Quirk:
Precisely. According to rule 58.5,...(mumble)..such a turn requires the use of WArP energy force to make a snap turn. These maneuvers can be dangerous.
Spot:
Here it is, Admiral. When attempting such a turn, roll a die. If the result is equal to or greater than a five, breakdown will occur. The maneuver is completed, but one-third of the crew, one-fourth of the boarding parties, and one-fifth of the engine power are considered destroyed.
Maloy:
Let Scotch roll. He's the lucky one.
Scotch:
Not on last shore leave.
Quirk:
Mr. Zulu, begin acceleration to WArP speed.
Zulu:
Aye, Aye, Captain.
Scotch:
(rolls die) Damn! A six!
 
(Sound of ship hitting WArP speed, falling cans, klaxon)
Ship:
High Energy Turn Breakdown. (repeat and fade)
Zulu:
This program has everything in it but the kitchen sink!
Olhora:
(running water) Honey, would ya hand me dat dirty plate?
Scotch:
Well, Admiral, we made it.
Zulu:
(snickering) Doctor, the 133 "volunteers" are ready for disposal.
Maloy:
(mumbling) are considered destroyed. Considered? Ah, fine. Dump 'em.
 
(Sound of toilet flush)
Quirk:
Bones, what's this invoice for a super-stickum toilet seat?
Maloy:
You, sir, have nothing to worry about.
 
(Sound of elevator opening, closing. Bring up theme.)
Quirk:
Admiral's Log, stardate 8675 point ...
 
(Fade theme.)
Olhora:
Cap'n! They be a emerguncy in missa Spot's quarters!
Quirk:
Ohmigod!
 
(Sound of running. Door opens.)
Maloy:
Jim, Spot's locked himself in the head!
 
(Sound of water rushing, gurgling, flowing, etc.)
Scotch:
The toilet's backin' up, man! He's gonna drown!
 
(Gurgling stops)
Maloy:
It's too late. He's dead, Jim.
Quirk:
He was a good friend, and a cunning warrior.
Spot:
(gurgling) I'm not dead yet!
Maloy:
I'm the surgeon; I'll tell you when you're dead. Somebody get the chaplain.
 
(Pause. Scotchy closes a dirge on kazoo.)
Crew:
Amen.
 
(During the eulogy, the crew "weeps")
Quirk:
We cannot judge why the universe has decided to take such a loyal friend, dedicated officer, and versatile actor from our midst. For myself, I can only say that of all the soles I have ever known, only his had golden arches. And now we commit his body to the abyss.
 
(The "weeping" is revealed as hysterical laughter. Toilet flush, followed by party music.)
Quirk:
Bones! Scotchy! Come here!
Maloy:
Yes, Admiral?
Scotch:
Yes, Cap'n?
Quirk:
I must say that it took me some time to catch on to the plan. I cannot believe your actions. I actually thought you'd never get him. Good work.
Maloy:
Heh, heh, ain't we somethin'?
Quirk:
Scotchy, don't forget to replace the toilet seat. That is your cabin now. Lt. Savage, meet me in my quarters. I think it's about time you had some "hands on" training.
 
(Bridge music and party fade to theme.)
Announcer:
The Wrath of a Con, an Almost but not so original radio play, was written and developed, though poorly, by the UNO Science Fiction and Fantasy Club. We'd like to thank the Son Broadcasting System, WDYF-151FM for their co-operation. We'd also like to thank Lemme for his support, Denise Babin for ingenious ideas, CoastCon for making us do this, and our faculty advisor, Dr. Jack Stocker, for his sage advice, "Just give me a roster each semester and don't make trouble for me." SOB² would like to dedicate this program to our ultimate warrior, Greg Sheppard, who once told us, "So what if you make a fool of yourself. As long as you're having fun, to hell with what people think."
 
(Finis.)